Guest Columnist of the Month
Richard Parins
President, Brown County Taxpayers Association

Taxing Times

It's taxing time again here in the County of Brown, the land of Taxidea Taxus, home of the legendary Bucky the Badgered, but just who's badgering Bucky? As always, it is his evil nemesis, Governmentalis Uber Alles and the Bureaucrasie (hereinafter known as GUAB). I feel it's my constitutional right to acronymize, just like everyone else in this great Nation feels they have a right to "rights, enumerated in the Constitution or not."

Time to get down to business, the annual levy for property; after all, GUAB must be paid for its self-expanding workload and it has been decided by the same, that said landowners benefited most from GUAB's work, therefore the "landowners" should be proportionally charged for these expenses. I need to pause here and ask the question: " does our current definition of "landowner" in any way resemble that of the Magna Carta?"

But why let these historical definitions get in the way, in actuality, renters[ sic], serfs came off worst in this deal as landowners got to pass along the levy,-- plus 20% gratuity -- to the renters. GUAB, in turn, offered grumpy serfs a puny tax credit, to which most serfs accepted with little complaint, grateful for anything that would pay for a case of Leinies , PBR or mead. To levy the proportional tax, GUAB assessed the value of each property and set the levy rate according to how much money it needed to raise to pay itself for said labors. Periodically, property values are re-assessed, ostensibly to keep the levy fair, and proportional, hence our State Constitutional concept of "Equalization." In reality, GUAB continually re-assesses values, which rose in recent years, so a lower levy rate was sufficient to meet GUAB's appetite for taxes. Re-assessment provided GUAB the opportunity to boost taxes while touting a drop in the tax, aka, the mil rate. Are you confused yet? Has a numb feeling come over your cranium, paralyzed by a requirement for common sense?

But this year is different-an economic malaise hit our land, property values plummeted; Bucky and his neighbors found they cold not sell their homes for what they had paid for them. Faced with reality GUAB realized that re-assessment will find lower values and levy rates will need to rise precipitously. So, GUAB is not happy, not to mention their commitment to landowners, and serfs, we cannot forget the serfs. The atmosphere ahead of this year's re-assessment has many property owners fearing more than the usual amount of GUAB's capriciousness. GUAB decrys but does not base its assessments on what buyers will pay for a comparable home, which begs the question, "what is the value of property based upon?" Many landowners fear their levies will not decline in proportion to their property's re-sale value, landowners call this, "reality ."

How will GUAB boost its take without a falling levy rate as cover? Landowners should fear an enormous shift in tax burden, whilst serfs (renters) drink beer and play Sheepshead or Cribbage. Landowners seek a carefree life, too! They yearn for a fun tailgate at Lambeau; we all should get a free one from the Packers from the levy placed upon us. Landowners know how GUAB plays winners and losers against each other to keep all players' eyes off the pea, in the Shell Game of Property Tax. Landowners and serfs need to require GUAB to accomplish the basic work of government for less money, but we are oft too busy fighting amongst each other over the sizes of their tax bills. The question remains, can they get GUAB to do the job for less?

Then Bucky the Badgered had an idea: pit Govermentalis Uber Alles against the Bureaucrasie. Force the Bureaucrasie to bid on the job, like a vendor bids to provide goods or services. GUA would no longer be a hostage to B's wage and benefit demands, B becomes the employer, not the employed, and will have to settle wage and benefit issues internally to make a successful bid for the work Alas, before Bucky could present his idea at the town hall meeting, somebody brought up health-care reform, and he never got a word in edgewise for all the shouting and finger-pointing. Someone shouted about how a know-it-all academic had finally made it into the Oval Office, had a chance to put his money where his mouth is, and decided to put up other people's money instead. Not sure the Bureaucrasie would have liked Bucky's idea, but I did. How about you?

Richard Parins
rparinsster@gmail.com

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